The Hero of the S.S.
I come home from work to see my roommate sitting on the couch with a sullen look on his face, watching the live news channel. I stop a moment before setting my keys down on the counter. He’s never watching news. In fact, all the times I’ve come home from work to find my roommate in front of the TV, which is nearly every day, I’ve never found him doing anything but blasting people away with the business end of a machine gun via the irreverent pleasures of one Call of Duty or another. He answers each and every Call of Duty. He’s usually screaming down the headset or yee-hawing or just having a whale of a time in general. So to come and find him catching up on the latest in Libya and the plummeting price of oil is somewhat of a sign of the apocalypse?
“Yo Eric,” I try, standing still so as not to spook him ,”everything okay?”
“Pff, hardly,” he retorts, trying to slouch further than he already is.
“What’s up buddy?” I continue, wondering whether or not I should continue to poke the bear. The Xbox controller is lying impotently on our living room table. Something is not right. I manage to get my legs working enough to make my way into the kitchen and listen from there.
“I got banned, that’s what’s up.”
“Oh yeah?” I call in, distractedly busying myself with the routine of making coffee, “Why’s that?” Banned? Oh no. Last time Eric went without his fix – when the Xbox packed up and was sent away for repair – it resulted in a dark, dark two weeks.
“They said my username was too offensive,” he says from the doorway, having shuffled over without me noticing. He doesn’t look as irate as two Christmases ago. Little escaped his wrath back then. The ban must only be temporary. Thank God.
“What, bilbojangles? I thought that was adorable.”
“No, I changed it. Too many people thought that was adorable. I needed something frightening-” his eyes glass over as he continues, obviously imaging the reaction his new name would garner, “so that when the enemy saw my name bobbing up over the hill they would be filled with pure fear.”
“So what did you choose?” I ask, not sure I want to know.
“Yep, that’ll do it.”
Uber thanks to my UBER friend Carl who came up with the awesome username. He’s a true BRO.