How I Became Thin

051511

  Every Saturday I walk to the convenience store and buy my weekly shopping. On top of the bread and milk and cereal and every other grocery you might expect to see in my cart I place a pouch of M&Ms. 150gs of candy-coated chocolate. Then I walk home. The bags are heavy.

  Every day following that I exercise in my study, before I sit down to work and after I’ve finished working. Call it routine. Call it ritual. Call it whatever. But in front of me, as I do my sit ups, push ups, crunches, there they are. The pouch. Each time I reach the peak of whatever I’m doing my eyes meet with the candy. I work harder the more I want it. Sometimes I want it so bad I have to go take a second morning shower after I’m done working out, I’ve been at it that long. But I don’t open them.

  On Friday – glorious Friday – a day that has long been dubbed the best day, immortalized by restaurants and movies and horribly, horribly catchy songs, I open the pouch. I sit down at nine pm and set up all my TiVo’d shows I’ve recorded throughout the week – sans commercials, naturally – and hit play and open that bag and catch the pocket of sweet smelling air and begin to eat them one by one, savouring them all over the course of the next few hours.

  And that is how I became thin.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:
I wish this worked for me. I would just eat the M&Ms on Sunday morning at 2am and hate myself for the entire duration of consumption.

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~ by Joseph Blame on May 15, 2011.

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